Finally caught some smiles on camera but they were a little fuzzy so I tried to mess around w/ them on Picasa (hence the black and white)

I'm almost embaressed to admit this, but as I assume it's a perfectly normal human response to a major change, I admit that as we get closer and closer to the reality of having another child I find my excitement waning and some worry and anxiety settling in.  In my inner-monologue, I increasingly hear the question, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!"  

I think with adoption, it's even harder to admit that we ask ourselves the question.  When growing a family takes the usual course you can always say, "what the hell were we thinking that one night when we were drunk and horny and the kids were asleep..." You can always blame it on a momentary lapse of judgement.  But with adoption you have to say "what the hell were we thinking when we spent those 2 years of late night discussions, reading piles of books, spending hours on internet research and lurking on adoption boards..."

As my 5 year old plays quietly by herself for HOURS I can enjoy some quiet computer time and even find time for crafts and reading that once seemed a impossible to tackle.  I haven't had a sleepless night in ages, I don't even have to put on shoes and coats anymore.  Heck if my 5 year old wants something out of the car, I just hand her the keys.  In fact, I hand her the keys when we get home from a shopping trip so that she can open the door for me while my arms are loaded with bags.   We even get to go to the movies again (albeit just kids movies).

Life has gotten much simpler than it was before.  In fact, I hesitate to say this, but it's almost easy.  We have bad days like everybody else, but for the most part it's smooth sailing around these parts.  

So why, why, why?  Why when life is just starting to get easy would we want to complicate things by going back to square one?  Why would we want to return to sleepless nights, high-pitched wailing, bigger bills, poop on the walls, puke on the floors, crumbs in the cushions, food in the hair, days without even time for a shower, and putting off our own desires and ambitions once AGAIN.  

Where on earth does this drive to parent come from?  How does it prevent us from thinking practially and make us long to hold the soft body of a sleeping newborn, grasp the hand of a toddler taking his first steps, listen for the squeal of delight when a preschooler learns to jump on one foot and celebrate with the child who has just decoded the mystery of the written word and read their first book.

What makes that longing so much stronger than the practial longing of a peaceful life with more leisure time and money to boot?  

I just don't know.  Clearly the drive to parent is strong in me and I sometimes worry that it will overtake the practical part of my brain again sometime in the future.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the fates have in store for us.  In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every last minute that we are a family of 3.

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/pumping/hands-free-pumping.html

And to think that I spent over 35 bucks on a hands-free pumping bra that is totally uncomfortable.

Well, today is the day.  The official start day of our 2 month marathon.  Earlier in the week I got out the pump, the nursing clothes, the hands-free pumping bras, the lanolin, etc.  I wanted to make sure everything was in good working order and hooked myself up to try out the supplies.

 I had just spoken with the IBCLC and she stressed the importance of being in a comfortable/relaxed state to help with the let down process.  She said that there must be oxytocin in the brain for it to work.  With that in mind I’m trying to ignore the cold hard plastic pump, trying to push away the mental images of myself as a dairy cow and picture a beautiful, warm, snuggly baby.

 As soon as I flip the switch Silly rushes into the office. 

 “What are you doing mama?”  She asks.

 “Pumping,” I say.  “To help me make milk for the baby.”

 She runs back out and announces to her dad, “I’m going to watch Mommy!!!!!!” (note the multiple exclamation points, she was very excited)

 She then pulls her kid-size over-stuffed chair into the office and plants it down directly across from me and watches silently, for the next 10 minutes. 

 What a show it must have been. 

 If that doesn’t relax me and help increase the oxytocin flow I don’t know what will. :-P

Seeing as I'm going to have to fit at least 4 hours a day into my schedule for pumping (see post from a couple of days ago) I decided to sit down and write up a daily schedule.  I am the type that loves to make plans and schedules, but since we rarely follow through I'd given up trying a long time ago.

It seems a little crazy scheduling out our daily routine but it really does help with figuring out the whole pumping thing.  Our day-to-day lives have almost no structure and I've been craving some routine anyway.  Since the spouse works retail hours and I drive him to and from work most days, it's hard to keep a regular schedule. 

So, here it is.  I'm hoping that by writing it out, I'll be more likely to follow through with it.  I've intentionally left times out of it and tried to be as flexible as possible so that it'll be easier to follow.  One thing's for sure, we'll have to cut out some of our outings and activities and really slow down.

Up and at 'em (out of bed)
Pump & Check email
Breakfast, exercise, shower
Pump
AM Chores, outing, hs activity, errand, etc.
Pump
Lunch & HS activity/story, etc.
Pump
Outing, hs activity, errand, etc.
Pump
Dinner
PM chores
Pump
Family time, bath
Pump & read bedtime story
Bedtime for Silly, Mommy/Daddy time
Pump & check email
Bedtime for me
Pump 1-2x during the night

This just occoured to me:  If it take roughly 30 minutes to pump (including set up and clean up) and I have to pump 10x each day that is 5 hours of each day. 

It's going to take some time to figure out how to work that one into my life.  It's like a freaking part-time job!

We gained a new family member this week!  The spouse's sister had a beautiful little girl, making me an auntie for the 3rd time around.  Big congrats to her family and looking forward to a visit sometime next month :)

As for the boy, Bmom had an ultrasound this week and she's carrying a boy!  Yay!  I'm so excited :)  My knee-jerk reaction to having a child is always to fantasize about a girl, but I kept picturing a boy this time and Silly INSISTED that it was a boy.  I'm pretty stoked about getting one of each.  It'll be good to gain some new perspective :) Everything looked good in the ultrasound, although they couldn't get a good shot of his heart and he wouldn't turn over to give us a view of his face, so they're scheduling another one in a month.  They also moved her due date back a week or so to 6/20, giving us a little extra time to save $ I suppose.

And so, the name debate begins.  The spouse and I have a really tough time agreeing on boys names.  Silly would have been Logan if she had been a he, but that name just doesn't do it for me this time.  I kind of like the 2 syllabls, ends in N pattern and I've been throwing around Rowan Asher.  If we pick a middle name that begins with A, it will be something all 4 of us share and I like the natural connection of the first name (Rowan is a tree).   I also like Ashton and Gawyn.  I'm not sure if we'll decide on a name before we meet him anyway.  For one thing, I'm feeling myself get more and more attached and a name would surely add to that feeling.  Bmom seems really sure, but I don't know if I could handle the heartbreak of a disruption to our adoption plan :(,  For another thing, I kind of like the idea of waiting to see what he looks like before deciding on a name.  I was thinking maybe we could narrow it down to our top 5 names and then decide after he's born.  We shall see what comes to pass...

So, I've allowed myself to start thinking about...babies!  

I realize I need to tread carefully here.  On the one hand, I don't want any of the emotional wounding that would come from this adoption NOT working out.  On the other hand, I really need to be prepared for a new little one.  I have to strike this emotional balance where I'm prepared, but not attached, if you know what I mean. 

So, I started making lists (I LOVE lists).  First and foremost is the list of things that we need to be prepared for a baby.  Actually I've decided to break this into 2 lists.  The NEEDS and the WANTS.  We'll make sure we have the "needs" before baby arrives, but the wants will have to wait...

Needs:
Cloth diapering supplies in newborn/small (2 dozen prefolds, 2 snappi's, 2-4 covers, 2 wool soakers, 2-4 all-in-ones, 2legwarmers, 1 dozen + cloth wipes, 2 doublers, 1 large wetbag and 1 small)
1 sling, I haven't decided which type I'd like yet, but I'm leaning towards a wraparound
1 queen size waterproof wool mattress cover

Wants:
New diaper bag
Pack-n-play
clothing/shoes
Maybe a couple of baby toys
Maclaren stroller
Swing (Spouse wants this, I don't)
Nursing bras/shirts/etc.

So, we met the Birth Mother today (she had to re-schedule last week) and it went awesome!  We really liked her and her family and she liked us and she said that she wants us to be the adoptive parents!  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!  We are sosososososososo excited!  She is due in June, so we've got some time.  Now I've got to get all the legal stuff figured out, have the home study done and start working on re-lactating!  OMG can't believe I get to start thinking about baby stuff again.  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, we're supposed to meet the birth Mom tomorrow.  Oh, I hope it goes well.  Wish us luck!

So, we got good and bad news about the adoption this week:

First, the bad:  On one of the Ethiopian adoption web groups I belong to, a woman posted that she had been denied because of diabetes, even though she had a note from the doc verifying that she was healthy and taking good care of herself :(  This doesn't mean we're giving up--it could be an agency thing or a type 1 vs. type 2, but it was kind of discouraging.

And the good:  A Friend of a friend has a PG sis who wants to have an open adoption.  I emailed and got some info and it sounds promising.  I really appreciate the idea of having contact with the Birth family.  In fact, I think that is the healthiest type of adoption.  I'd by lying if I didn't say I was excited by the prospect, but there are other people interested, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up...(but OMG we could be parents again by Summer!!!!)

Yesterday I got my first official adoption packet in the mail.  So far, my research of adoption agencies has been mostly on the internet, but I found an agency that I liked enough to send away for the packet in the mail.  There is lots of good info on the site, and they work with lots of countries, but I was a little nervous because they didn't have any of the $ estimates.

The packet came quickly and before I opened it, I mentally went through what to expect.  I knew there'd be lots of pictures of needy kids, pictures of happy families, personal stories of heart ache and elation.  The agency is a business after all, it's their job to tug at your heart strings and make you want to take home that needy little kiddo so badly that it burns. 

As I tore open the envelope I resolved to avoid all of the personal "success" stories.  As I pulled out the fat folder I promised myself that I would only glance at pictures that I couldn't other wise avoid and I would avoid the video at all costs.  As the glossy brochures spilled out, I pushed them away and grabbed at the plain, printed papers  "Getting Started Guide," "Adoption Program Application," and "I-600A, Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition" 

Something happened.  Just holding the actual application in my hands was a much bigger trigger than I could have ever anticipated.  It seemed so real, so concrete.  Not just characters on a computer screen, but an *actual* application.  We are really going to do this thing.  I ran my fingers over the smooth paper, brought it to my face and sniffed.  I put it to my chest and cradled it like a baby. I closed my eyes and tried to make some sense out of the fact that the application was triggering such a response. 

And then I opened my eyes and looked down, right into the eyes of a glossy brochure cover-child.  It was all over after that.  I took the brochure and examined every little detail--the curly hair, the runny nose, the beautiful dark eyes.  Brochure after brochure after brochure.  A 12 page newsletter of personal stories, a 38 page book of  "Stories to celebrate" chock full of glossy kid photos.  The dreaded, "Waiting Child Program" with names and ages next to the picture and a brief description of a high-needs child who hasn't found a home yet. 

I was bawling.  I stop trying to block it out and just let it wash over me--the pain of all those children without a home.  My whole body tingles slightly.  I sniff, and reach for the info in the next section.  What is this?  An overview and fee schedule from each country/program. 

I look at the beautiful children, pause for a split second on the headlines "Embrace Parenthood with Both Arms," "Start Your Great Love Story," "Discover the Big Miracle of a Tiny Life," briefly skim the overview and turn the page.  I see the program fees.  What are all these numbers? How many different fees are there?  Program fee, other costs, travel expenses?  How much is it?????

I spy the little pink number along the bottom.  What the F*&^?!  40K!!!!!  That's at least 10K more than the other agencies I've been looking at online!

Good feelings gone.  Despite all of my efforts not to let them, they got me.  Gawd, they're good at this.

So after much deliberation I think we've decided NOT to try and make another baby this year.  We had been planning on doing a detox/high-nutrient diet for a few months then trying to get pregnant.  Unfortunately, John can't keep up with it and doesn't think it's important and I just don't feel ready to deal with being pregnant again. 

Having one kid is really nice but we both do want more so we're going to get serious about the adoption thing.  I've ALWAYS wanted to do an international adoption (like since I was 10) and I feel really good about not bringing another baby into the world when we're already overpopulated.  The problem with an international adoption is that it's very spendy.  If we adopt through the state the cost is minimal but I'm nervous about getting a child with issues.  If Lilly were older, maybe it'd be ok but just not right now.  Plus if we ask for 1 healthy baby we might never find a match.

Sooooo, we're going to do the international thing and just figure out some way to pay for it.  Estimated cost is in the 15-40K range.  I'm hoping to keep the cost under 20K.  Plus we get a 10K rebate from the government.  I've already started researching grants and plan to apply for every one that we qualify for.  And the rest, well if we have to get a loan or apply for some credit cards I think it's worth it.  I'd rather spend 10K on a kid than a car ;-)

The next step is to research agencies.  We're not in any hurry so I'm giving myself till the end of the year (this should also give us time to pay off our very small amount of credit card debt--in case we need some $ in a hurry during the process). 

Hopefully (cross your fingers, pray, whatever you do) we'll have a little one before Lilly turns 7!