Got this from one of my yahoo groups:


Last weekend, somewhere between the collards and the spinach, the peaceful plodding of putting in our Fall garden went wrong and I got really grumpy with my husband, Tom. One minute we were chatting over seedlings and the next I was feeling wronged and misunderstood. After some less than helpful squabbling, Tom, brilliant man that he is, took a deep breath, looked right at me, and said, "OK, tell me all of it."

"I hate it when you judge me!" I ranted and raved. I went on recounted inconveniences that were building steam in the back of my mind as resentments. Before I knew it, I was talking about the hard look in my mother's eyes when she deemed one of my childhood accomplishments beneath her notice. He was sitting right beside me handing me a Kleenex. And I was already starting to feel better.

When I stepped into the garden half an hour before, I had had no idea all of that was brewing inside of me. If my husband hadn't stopped to pay attention and listen, I might not know it now. That gift of caring attention helped me release the feelings that were interfering with my ability to relate to Tom and feel connected and understood. I also learned some important things about myself while building a stronger sense of closeness in my marriage.

And this is exactly what children need when they have their tantrums. Whether you are four or forty, being human means having to deal with a lot of feelings, feelings that don't come with a time stamp. They can sneak up on you, just like Tom triggering memories of how small and insignificant I felt as a child under my mother's judgmental gaze. And we all, big and small, deserve the opportunity to share how we feel in a caring, thoughtful and non-judgmental space.

It saddens me when I hear parents proudly say they don't put up with tantrums and send their kids off to the solitary confinement of their rooms until they can behave "properly." I know they love their children, but what a lost opportunity to nurture and support them! That would be like my husband telling me, "I have no intention of loving all of you. I only want to see the parts that work for me."

We are social animals. We all need connection with others. And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed with feelings, relating "properly" gets hard to do. But opening your heart and your arms to the feelings that are overwhelming your child clears her mind, allows her to think and learn unhindered by emotional baggage and builds an essential level of trust and closeness in the relationship between you.

So, the next time your two year-old starts to fall apart in the grocery store, just imagine I am there with you, with one arm around your shoulders saying, "Wow! You're a lucky parent. What a great chance for you guys to get closer." Maybe that will help you take a deep breath, bend down, and say, "Tell me all of it."

--Juli Idleman

Most that know me know that I grew up in the conservative Mormon church.  I don't feel like going into the details now, but suffice it to say I still feel psychologically and spiritually scarred from the experience.  It took many months of participation in online ex-mormon support groups, getting my name officially off the roles, and joining a new church before I really felt like I had made significant steps toward healing. 

After some research I found the Unitarian Universalist church to be a good fit for me and I have been a fairly active participant in their congregations for the last 5+ years. 

This last year I've really started to question whether my congregation and/or the religion at large are really the best place for me.  I thoroughly appreciate the presence of the church in the world.  They are an outspoken voice for the spiritual left and they do wonderful things but I'm not sure they're what's right for me.

I've always been a little put off by the demographics--the lack of diversity.  Very middle-to-upper-middle class, white.  I always feel like the youngest, poorest one in the bunch.  Not that these things should matter in a spiritual community but I just have trouble relating to other congregants on a personal level.  I'm also feeling like they're not very family-friendly.  They have great programs for adults and great programs for kids, but they do a lousy job of serving the whole family. 

As much as I like what they're doing, I'm starting to feel like we're too crunchy for the UU's.  At least the ones in this particular congregation.

We got the registration form for the RE program next year and I got pretty annoyed when I came to the last few questions.  Maybe I'm just in a crabby mood, but  the wording and mere existence of a few questions really ticked me off.  I'll include the worst ones and my responses. 

We're still planning on attending in the fall, but I have to admit that I'm ready to pull out at any time.  Not sure if I should just try a different congregation or if I'd look for something new entirely.  I DO like a lot of what they do.  We'll have to see what this year has in store for us...


The Questions:

What Method of discipline works best in your family for inappropriate behavior? I take offense at this question.  Children do not act inappropriately.  Adults have inappropriate expectations of how children should act.  If a child is put in a position where inappropriate demands are made of him/her, it is likely they will behave in ways that adults do not appreciate.  If I feel like other adults are bothered by my children's behavior I will explain the problem to my children and trust that they will show empathy and change their behavior.  If that doesn't happen, I am more than happy to remove my family from the situation as it was likely not appropriate in the first place.  I am saddened by the anti-family culture that exists in our church and society at large. I think that we all lose when we constantly separate the young from the old or expect the young to act in ways that are not developmentally appropriate. 

List the top 2 rulesof conduct in your house.   I cannot imagine a household of respectful adults who needed a list of rules to remind them how to conduct themselves.  As such, I would never impose such things on my children.  I believe that creating arbitrary rules would diminish a child's dignity, which is a violation of my personal values.  I can imagine a group of people who come together for work or other endeavors working together to create a set of group norms that might look something like rules.  Ideally these rules would be agreed upon by all.  But applying this structure to family life seems completely inauthentic.  Saying that I have the right to force my own "rules" on another person implies that I am somehow greater than them--that I deserve to have power over them.  I prefer my household to operate more like a community of equals than a dictatorship.  My spouse and I interact as equals and we are constantly modeling this to our children.  We hope that by modeling this and by respecting our children's needs and wants that they will learn in turn learn empathy and eventually offer the same respect to others that we have shown to them.

 

And later I added:

 I have to say that I'm pretty uncomfortable with this line of questioning.  The wording (discipline, inappropriate behavior, rules) implies a culture that is fundamentally at odds with my family's parenting philosophies.  As our UU values state, I believe that ALL people should be treated with dignity and respect.  I think that this especially applies to children, who are often overlooked by adults that seem to think they have the right to dominate those smaller or younger than them.  I believe in extending the same respect to my children that I would any other person, young or old, and I trust that in modeling this that my children will someday show this same respect to the world at large.  I would not "discipline" my spouse or friends, nor would I invent rules of conduct for them to follow.  What a weird way to interact with the world.  Treating my children this way would surely be a poor way of preparing them for life away from home.

This seemed like such a good one for the holiday, had to pass it on :)  I really enjoy Scott Noelle's work and have gotten to see him a few times at local homeschooling conferences.  I get his "daily groove" emailed to me every day and appreciate most of what I read.  More information on him and his work can be found by clicking on the links near the bottom.

 
THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle

:: A Declaration of Inter-dependence ::

Parents who practice attachment parenting are often
accused of neglecting their children's development
of independence.

Strangely, these accusations usually come from the
same folks who advise us to take swift disciplinary
action the moment our children exhibit signs of
independence, now re-labeled "disobedience."

Thankfully, we have the reassurance of the Founding
Mothers and Fathers of holistic parenting whose
"spoiled" kids are growing up to be remarkably
independent!

Today is Independence Day in America, so let's write
our own Declaration of Independence from the culture
of alienation:

"We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all
Children are created Lovable, that they are endowed,
by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Happiness
of Parental Proximity. . . ."

http://dailygroove.net/independence-day

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle


"Inspiration & Coaching for Progressive Parents"
http://www.ScottNoelle.com
http://www.EnjoyParenting.com

1044 Water Street, Suite 342
Port Townsend, WA  98368
USA

I'm almost embaressed to admit this, but as I assume it's a perfectly normal human response to a major change, I admit that as we get closer and closer to the reality of having another child I find my excitement waning and some worry and anxiety settling in.  In my inner-monologue, I increasingly hear the question, "What the HELL were we thinking?!?!"  

I think with adoption, it's even harder to admit that we ask ourselves the question.  When growing a family takes the usual course you can always say, "what the hell were we thinking that one night when we were drunk and horny and the kids were asleep..." You can always blame it on a momentary lapse of judgement.  But with adoption you have to say "what the hell were we thinking when we spent those 2 years of late night discussions, reading piles of books, spending hours on internet research and lurking on adoption boards..."

As my 5 year old plays quietly by herself for HOURS I can enjoy some quiet computer time and even find time for crafts and reading that once seemed a impossible to tackle.  I haven't had a sleepless night in ages, I don't even have to put on shoes and coats anymore.  Heck if my 5 year old wants something out of the car, I just hand her the keys.  In fact, I hand her the keys when we get home from a shopping trip so that she can open the door for me while my arms are loaded with bags.   We even get to go to the movies again (albeit just kids movies).

Life has gotten much simpler than it was before.  In fact, I hesitate to say this, but it's almost easy.  We have bad days like everybody else, but for the most part it's smooth sailing around these parts.  

So why, why, why?  Why when life is just starting to get easy would we want to complicate things by going back to square one?  Why would we want to return to sleepless nights, high-pitched wailing, bigger bills, poop on the walls, puke on the floors, crumbs in the cushions, food in the hair, days without even time for a shower, and putting off our own desires and ambitions once AGAIN.  

Where on earth does this drive to parent come from?  How does it prevent us from thinking practially and make us long to hold the soft body of a sleeping newborn, grasp the hand of a toddler taking his first steps, listen for the squeal of delight when a preschooler learns to jump on one foot and celebrate with the child who has just decoded the mystery of the written word and read their first book.

What makes that longing so much stronger than the practial longing of a peaceful life with more leisure time and money to boot?  

I just don't know.  Clearly the drive to parent is strong in me and I sometimes worry that it will overtake the practical part of my brain again sometime in the future.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the fates have in store for us.  In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy every last minute that we are a family of 3.

If parents do not agree to an intramuscular injection, the alternative is for the infant to receive Konakion MM^®, 2mg orally at birth. These infants should then receive a repeat oral dose (2mg) at 3-5 days and at 4-6 weeks of age. If the infant vomits or regurgitates within 1 hour of an oral dose, this dose should be repeated.

Silly must have a lot on her mind because she's been asking some of the most interesting questions lately. Here are a few conversations we've had in the last month:

~The first people
Silly: Where did all the people come from?
Me: their mommy's womb
S: And where did the Mommy's come from?
Me: Do you mean where did the first people come from?
S: Yes
Me: Hmmmmmmm everyone has different ideas on that one... (tried to explain evolution & creationism and the debate between the 2, but you never know what a 5yo actually picks up)

~Death
S: What happens to people after they die?
Me: I don't know (and I launch into some lecture about different theories on the subject)
S: I think we all come back again.
Me: So you believe in reincarnation? Do you think we come back as people or something else?
S: Something else. I want to be a cat in my next life.

~Reproduction and overpopulation
This one started with me trying to explain why/how we were going to get the cats "fixed" so they wouldn't keep having babies and overpopulate the world with kittens ;)
S: What about people? Do they just keep having babies and babies.
Me: They can, but they try not to.
S: How do you fix people:
Me: They can have an operation like the cats, or take medicine or do other things to stop from getting pregnant.
S: What about Bmom is she going to keep having babies and babies?
Me: (I was really surprised by how quickly she made the connection to Bmom's untimely pregnancy) I don't know.  She doesn't want to keep having babies and it's a lot of work to be pregnant, so I sure hope not.

Got this from one of my yahoo groups.  Not sure where it came from, but it's cute:

If you give a mom a muffin...

If you give a mom a muffin
She'll want a strong cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll make herself some.
Her three-year-old will spill the coffee
She'll wipe it up

While wiping the floor she'll find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, she'll trip
over boots and bump into the box of Goodwill items.
Bumping into the Goodwill items will remind her that
she has to get these boxes out of her basement and into the car.
When she puts the boxes in the car, she'll find a bag
of groceries and this will remind her she has to cook
dinner.
She will get out the chicken defrosting in the fridge.
She'll look for her cookbook, "101 Things To Do With
Chicken"
The cookbook will be sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the Netflix movie she's meant to send
back and the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.
The checkbook will be in her purse that is being
dumped out by her one-year-old.
As she bends down to rescue her purse,
she'll smell something funny.
She'll change the baby's diaper.
While she is throwing away the diaper and searching
for the hand sanitizer, the phone will ring.
Her three-year-old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she wants to call a friend -
not for coffee, but for a very strong drink.
Thinking of drinking will remind her that she was
going to have a cup of coffee in order to stay awake
for the rest of the day.
And chances are....
If she finds her cup of coffee (which she has to
reheat by now),
Her children will have eaten the muffin that goes with
it.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> By Jan Hunt, M.Sc.
>
> (from the Natural Child Project)
>
>
>
> 1. We expect children to be able to do things before they are ready.
>
>
>
>
> We ask an infant to keep quiet. We ask a 2-year-old to sit still. We ask a
> 4-year-old to clean his room. In all of these situations, we are being
> unrealistic. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and setting up
> the child for repeated failures to please us. Yet many parents ask their
> young children to do things that even an older child would find difficult.
> In short, we ask children to stop acting their age.
>
> 2. We become angry when a child fails to meet our needs.
>
>
> A child can only do what he can do. If a child cannot do something we ask,
> it is unfair and unrealistic to expect or demand more, and anger only makes
> things worse. A 2-year-old can only act like a 2-year-old, a 5-year-old
> cannot act like a 10-year-old, and a 10-year-old cannot act like an adult.
> To expect more is unrealistic and unhelpful. There are limits to what a
> child can manage, and if we don't accept those limits, it can only result in
> frustration on both sides.
>
> 3. We mistrust the child's motives.
>
>
> If a child cannot meet our needs, we assume that he is being defiant,
> instead of looking closely at the situation from the child's point of view,
> so we can determine the truth of the matter. In reality, a "defiant" child
> may be ill, tired, hungry, in pain, responding to an emotional or physical
> hurt, or struggling with a hidden cause such as food allergy. Yet we seem to
> overlook these possibilities in favor of thinking the worst about the
> child's "personality"

There is so much interesting information on this topic.  I'm glad that I instinctively tried to stay away from "branded" toys and emphasized the more open-ended types but wish we just had less in general. 

Old Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills
Play, Spirit and Character
The National Institute For Play

A Parent's Thanksgiving List
by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard
Friday, November 16, 2007

Thanksgiving usually inspires parents to start a diet. But if
you'll indulge with me for a while, I'd rather list a few things I'm
grateful for as a mother.

I'm grateful my children demand I talk to them when I don't feel
like talking, feed them when I'm not hungry, and change their
diapers even when I'm all dressed up and ready to go somewhere
special. I don't think I'd discover the world outside my own needs
without them.

I'm grateful my children haven't learned how to hold back their
tears when they're sad, laughter when they're happy, or screams when
they're frightened. They constantly remind me that emotions are for
sharing.

I'm grateful my children have broken nearly everything in my home
and used a crayon or ink marker on the rest. They've taught me that
things aren't important, but people are.

I'm grateful my children start out small and helpless so they don't
become aware of my incompetence until they're teenagers. By then,
we've both grown so accustomed to each other, we somehow manage to
make it through the rest of life together.

I'm grateful my children get their pants dirty, pick their noses,
burp without saying "excuse me," and quarrel in public so I'll never
be able to get too arrogant, proper, or judgmental of other people's
children.

I'm grateful my children sometimes call me names like "weird"
because sometimes I am "weird," and it helps keep a person humble to
be told they're "weird" when they're acting weird.

I'm grateful my children occasionally miss the bus at the precise
moment I've stepped out of the shower, contemplating the well-
planned, organized day ahead of me. Experiences like jumping into
the car after throwing on whatever's handy and racing to school have
a tendency to loosen rigid plans into something better known as
spontaneity.

I'm grateful my children always need new shoes, piano books,
prescriptions, haircuts, fieldtrip money, tuition, food, toothpaste,
and underwear. That way, I don't have to waste my time thinking
about a new sofa. It's difficult to get wealthy and think about
luxuries when you have to buy toilet paper and milk by the truckload
each week.

I'm grateful my children know how to play. My five-year-old asked me
to come downstairs so he could "teach me how to play" with his
plastic animals. While Jacob demonstrated the subtle techniques for
sinking a rhinoceros into couch cushions while pretending it was
quicksand, I realized my young son was right. I really do need
someone to "teach me how to play."

I'm grateful my children question my every command and giggle when I
get angry. It's difficult to feel too powerful or self-righteous
with kids around to remind you of how funny you look when you're
pointing your finger.

I'm grateful my children insist I hug, kiss, rock, or put my arms
around them often. Otherwise, I think I'd forget how the sense of
touch is so healing.

I'm grateful each of my children is unique when the same strange,
inexperienced mother raised them. Somehow they don't seem to let me
ruin them much.

And lastly, I'm grateful for the gift of children in my life. God
willing, I'd like to fill the rest of my days with those interesting
people who call me Mom (yes, and sometimes "weird") but
eventually "weird grandma."

From Families Who Laugh . . . Last by Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard

So, I finished the book, Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon this week.  (And I returned it to the Library today, so Jen if you're reading this now is your chance).  I really like it and would recommend it to anyone. 

When I looked at the title and then read the back, I was a little turned off.  Didn't sound like the kind of thing I'd usually pick up.  But, I'd heard really good things (even, "it changed my life") from other AP mamas and then Alfie Kohn recommended it in his lecture, so I thought I'd give it a try.

The book is really about communication and focuses on 3 specific tools that would be useful in just about any relationship, not just parent/child.  Some of these books spend a little too much time tooting their own horn if you ask me, and some of it was preaching to the choir, so there was a bit that I just skimmed through, but still worth the read.

The hard part is getting the info to John without having to make him read the book (he wouldn't).  So, I'm going to try and summarize the tools.  Gordon does a lot of explaining and persuading folks to give it a try, but I'm not gonna mess with that.  He also throws out some important concepts including:

1) Parents don't "own" children and can't really "make" them do anything, so they really shouldn't bother trying.  I spent a lot of time thinking about this when I was pregnant.  The idea that I may have helped create the baby in my belly, but she wasn't really *mine*  she belongs to no one but herself and as her parent it is ONLY my job to act as an advisor/facilitator.  This concept is also turning out to be key in preparing myself for an adoption.

2) Children should be responsible for solving their own problems.  I've been struggling with this lately.  I really want Lilly to solve her own problems, but I feel myself jumping in all the time.  Even when I don't want to jump in, she requests my help because she's become so dependent on it.  For months, I've been trying to figure this one out.

3) Parents should be open and honest with their children about their feelings.  In this way, the child will learn empathy and will work to help the parent solve their problems. 

As for the tools, they're actually things that I've been using for ages.  The problem is, I don't think I was using them very effectively.  The book has really helped me see how to better employ these tools and they really are working, for the most part

Basically, whenever there's a problem, you have to determine who owns the problem--you, the child, or both.  If it's your problem (bobby is dawdling and making you late for work), use I-messages.  If it's the child's problem (bobby is having trouble with his friend), use active listening.  If you are in conflict with each other (you want Bobby to X, but he wants to Z) you use no-lose conflict resolution.

I was going to summarize the tools and use personal examples of how I put each of the methods to work for me, but I'm already getting tired of writing about this topic, so I guess it'll have to wait for another time...

I can't believe we've already been to Ikea 3 times--it's just a freaking store.  It's always crowded, the lines are long and people seem to think of it as a major attraction. 

Lilly loves the play area and they gave her a punch card after the first visit, telling her that when she filled out the card she'd get a prize.  Growing up in a house where we don't use punishments OR rewards because both are a way of manipulating children, this must have come across as very novel because now Lilly asks every day to go to Ikea so that she can fill out her card and get a prize.  Sheesh